Henia Drucker, LCSW psychotherapy • grief • loss

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•Why seek therapy for grief? Isn’t grief a natural process?

Often it is just too hard to do the work of grieving alone. People in your everyday life may not realize that grief can drain you of your energy and interfere with your focus. You may hear others say, "it's time to move on with your life” or "it's been long enough…life goes on.” However well intentioned they are, the people making these statements may not understand the deep level of pain and isolation you are feeling. There is no set timetable for the grieving process. You may continue to feel alone for a long time, even though you may be among your closest friends and family. Maybe you want to protect them from your pain and grief, or maybe you feel they just cannot comprehend the degree of your continuing sadness. This can intensify your sense of feeling alone and may cause other problems.

Grief can be overwhelming and interfere with the desire to refocus your life in a meaningful and authentic way. Therapy can help if you have lost (or are losing) a central person in your life; someone whom you feel helped define who "you" are… someone fundamental to your "story" and for whom you shared dreams and expectations. You may be left with the pain of unexpressed feelings and wishes - things you wanted to say and do and now feel you will never have the chance. This loss can also trigger memories of previous losses and of childhood issues that have been pent-up or ignored.

Therapy provides a safe place to express and explore all your feelings. Talking, reminiscing and remembering your life in a compassionate and interactive therapeutic relationship can help you regain your sense of continuity in a meaningful way. Productive therapy integrates all aspects of your "self" and your personal history - the happiness and sadness - in order to achieve a positive effect on your overall well-being.

This is your story and unique to you. Gaining the ability to understand who you are now is the first step in finding out who you might become in your new world.

•How do you approach therapy when dealing with issues
of grief?

Psychotherapy involves exploring your feelings, ideas and thoughts and then examining how they may be interfering with your having a meaningful, satisfying, and productive life. In grief therapy, the same holds true. The only difference is that your loss is what brings you to therapy at this particular time in your life.

My therapeutic style is collaborative, respectful and interactive. As I listen to you tell your story, we will explore your past and current relationships, patterns, behaviors, and beliefs. The telling and exploring in an empathic and trusting therapeutic relationship allows for the healing experience and will help you gain a new perspective and new energy. With this comes greater freedom to make decisions and choices about your life and goals; how you want to be in the world after losing an integral part of your self.

For over 25 years I have used an integrative, interactive, humanistic, psychodynamic approach in my practice drawing on a variety of models and theories e.g. psychoanalytically insight oriented, supportive, cognitive, inter-subjective, relational, attachment, developmental, family systems and psychosocial. This knowledge, along with a supportive atmosphere, creates an environment where clients learn productive ways of managing painful life experiences.

•What can I expect during the therapy process?

Generally I meet with clients weekly. At the beginning of our work together, I will ask about your decision to seek therapy at this time. In order to understand the nature of your particular situation, we will talk about your specific loss, your childhood, relationships, dreams (past, present and future), your wishes and your goals.

Sharing your story is an important first step in managing and processing emotional pain. A therapeutic relationship is based on trust, honesty, and mutual respect. In the process of establishing a trusting working relationship in therapy, you will discover new ways of approaching and reshaping your life with your loss. As in any relationship, the amount of time it takes to create this trust varies from person to person. 
Depending on your needs and goals, I offer both short and long term therapy to help you navigate through the emotional challenges and struggles you may face. Each person and situation is unique - together we will tailor a therapy to fit your particular needs.

•People say I should have “moved on” by now. Are there
stages I should be going through?

Elisabeth Kubler - Ross wrote a groundbreaking book many years ago called On Death and Dying in which she developed a theory about the stages of death and dying. She was a pioneer in bringing the topic to the forefront, allowing for the exploration and study of death and dying, a subject which people still have difficulty discussing. But her now famous concept of the stages of grief focused more energy and attention on the needs of the dying - not on the living who are grieving.
Unfortunately, it has now become popular belief that one needs to pass through these five identified stages to complete the grieving process: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. In reality you may experience some or none of these stages and grief is rarely, if ever, a linear process.
Grief is the natural reaction to loss. It is an emotional, subjective phenomenon, and not an intellectual one. Each loss in one's life carries different meaning and is therefore experienced and perceived differently. Instead of defining each stage of the grieving process, it is important that the grieving person finds their own authentic expression and voice within their own time frame so they can discover how they want to participate in their lives again. There is no set time or stages for this process.
The process of grieving is more about learning to embrace life again than it is about accepting the loss. Re-entering and embracing your life with your loss will depend on the nature of the relationship, the circumstances surrounding the loss and your history of previous losses. In some cases, you might feel you will be making adjustments for a very long time - sometimes for the rest of your life. The grieving process does not end by just changing your perspective but more importantly, by learning how to integrate the loss into your life in a way that feels truthful and meaningful.

Please contact me by phone or email
973.783.0697 • info@lossandgriefnj.com
Serving New Jersey and The Metropolitan Area